Posted 7/18/12 (Wed)
I suppose you haven’t seen me lately. Well, maybe you saw me, but just didn’t recognize me. That can happen pretty easily. I’ll have to explain.
While at the Calgary Stampede, I attended a trade show. You know, I don’t really care for shopping. If Shirley wants to shop, I’ll sit in the pickup and pout while she “runs in for just a minute.” Now, a wife “running in for just a minute” is akin to “stopping for just one.” It just doesn’t happen.
Anyway, we attended the trade show at Stampede Park. Now, I expected something like Cowboy Christmas at the National Finals Rodeo. You know, bits and spurs, saddles and saddle pads, horseshoes and western art, horse trailers and everything western. This Stampede show was a like a convention of paid programming on TV and the shopping network.
There were pots and pans and rubber brooms. There were candles for your bathroom and orthopedic pads for your feet. There was candy you could eat to lose weight, and there was stuff to take the gray out of your hair. There were pills to add romance to your life and pills to take wrinkles out of the corner of your eyes. There were more magic potions than found in a witch’s brew in fairy tales.
I was disgusted, until they started the cooking show. I like food. I bought $743 worth of the non-stick pots and pans! I mean you can put that old burner on super-high heat, throw an egg and a chunk of cheese in there, cook it for 18 hours, and it will pour right onto your plate. Wipe it off with a paper towel and it’s like new. Then I saw the knife deal! This knife will cut your shoe in two. You can cut the top of soup cans off without using an opener. You can cut an extra door in your house, and then slice a tomato so thin you can see through it! Only $67.19 for three knives! Wow.
I got into the health deal. I’m a little heavy, you know. Well, ok, maybe a lot heavy. Like 125 pounds extra, but I feel good. As long as I don’t have to move much and it’s cool.
I bought a box of candy that helps you lose weight! You can eat as much of anything you want and you just shed the pounds! Only $87 a day for candy! Then I bought some stuff you can rub on your scalp and the gray disappears overnight! Only $17 a week! The wrinkle remover was a bargain at $13 an ounce. There was a magic potion you set by your bed and it ends snoring! Shirley forced me to buy that.
I had to go get another shopping cart.
I bought a deal for the end of our garden hose. A nozzle that makes the water spray so hard it will take the paint off a car! How did I live so long without it?
Then I saw it! The greatest deal ever! An exercise machine! You don’t have to move! You just lean into it and it shook! I mean it really shook! It vibrated the pounds off! Those Canadians are geniuses!
Like I said, I’ve been around, but you just don’t recognize me. I’m healthy, but broke.